The Doxie and the bulldog had been great friends for many years, but unfortunately the nightclubbing angle was out, because the Doxie was expected to stay home and stand guard at night. Eventually the bulldog came up with a plan, and suggested that the Dachshund make a puddle so that he would be be put out for the night and free to go out on the town. Well the puddle was made and the next evening another invitation from the bulldog was forthcoming. The Doxie seemed reluctant, and the bulldog asked why.

"The problem is, they rub my nose in it", explained the Doxie.

"For heavens' sake, you wimp, it's over with soon enough", cried the bulldog, "and then you're free for the night".

The Doxie retorted, "You just want me to have a flat nose like you!"

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his German Shepard. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his Collie could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his Chocolate Lab could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his Dachshund and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, had his way with the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his Dachshund, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his Dachshund down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his Dachshund, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the Dachshund's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the Dachshund's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your Dachshund is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his Dachshund is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your Dachshund is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650.

"$650 to tell me my Dachshund is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the Cat scan and Lab tests."

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this Doxie could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"

Several domestic Doxies were gathered on a hill one night, each vying for the leadership of their loosely-organized, nighttime pack. After howling their meeting to order, and selecting from the wild game they had hunted en-route, they began to present their arguments.

The first dog, a Collie, said, "I should be the leader. Just look at the quality of my coat. I’m impeccably groomed, and will give our group the kind of style only a collie can command."

The second dog, a Golden Lab, said, "I should be the leader. I’m the best-liked of the bunch of us. Watch me wag my tail. That just drives those humans crazy. And believe me, what any pack needs is a human relations specialist".

Finally, the third dog, a wise old Dachshund, said, "I am the leader. While you were both yapping I ate all your food".

With this, the old rogue turned and trotted off. The others immediately gave chase. And the last I saw of them, the old Dachshund still had a slight lead.

A butcher in his shop, the owner notices a Dachshund standing at the counter in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the Dachshund is back again. So he goes over to the Dachshund and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages please. The Dachshund has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill as well. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages in a bag and places it in the Dachshund's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to close the shop and follow the Dachshund. So off he goes.

The Dachshund is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The Dachshund puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The Dachshund then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The Doxie checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The Dachshund walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the Dachshund goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the Doxie looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his sausages still in the bag in his mouth.

Well, Dachshund and butcher are walking along the road, and then the Dachshund turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself - Whap! - against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and - Whap! - throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the Dachshund goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the Dachshund. Yelling, ranting, and such at the little Doxie. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing ? That Dachshund is a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven's sake!", to which the guy responds,

"Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key."

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing  butterflies into the jungle, and before long he was lost.

Wandering about, he saw a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. "I'm in deep trouble now!" the dachshund thought. Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here? "Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride,  terrified, and slunk away into the jungle. "Whew," said the leopard., "That was close. That dachshund nearly got me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it to the leopard for protection. So off he went after the leopard with great speed. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and watch what happens to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them. And when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund said, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Did you catch the Wiener Dog VS Pig race on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno? I've got a 30 second clip of the main event. The AVI file is quite large so if your connected with a modem, forget it!

  From Readers Digest:

"OUR DOG had ten puppies, and we were trying to find good homes for them. After several unsuccessful attempts, we came up with an idea. All the pups were put in a little red wagon with a sign reading, "Hot Dogs, 25 cents Each." Kids, puppies and wagon joined a town parade. Our last-minute "entry" won first-place prize in the parade, and all ten puppies were sold."

Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Judy Hutchinson.

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the hearse was a man walking solemnly along, followed by a Dachshund, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the hearse and asked him who was in the hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law."

Not meaning to be rude, he asked anyways, "How'd she die?"

"My Dachshund bit her and it scared her to death.", he stated.

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your Wiener Dog?"

To which the man said, "Get in line!"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new Dachshund?

After a year, the Dachshund is still excited to see you!

A blind man with his seeing eye dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. "On the house!" says the bartender as he poured the drink.

When the blind man left the bar to go home, he was greeted by a friend who was walking his tiny Dachshund."

"Go into that bar with your dog and tell them you're blind. They'll give you a free drink, " said the blind man. His friend entered the bar with his dog and ordered a drink.

The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" "But I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog!" said the man. The bartender exclaimed, "Don't give me that crap. A Dachshund isn't a seeing eye dog!"

The man said, "OH MY GOD, they gave me a Dachshund?"

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign on the door that read "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" Inside he noticed a harmless old Dachshund asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," the manager replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused.

"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he said. "Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the manager replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

A Dachshund went into a bar, finally managed to get his haunches seated comfortably on a stool, and asked the bartender for a large shot of whiskey.

The bartender asked him if he wanted a chaser with his drink, to which the Dachshund. responded: "No thanks. I’ve been chasin’ ‘er for three years now".

That’s the reason I’m in here drinking in the first place.

A butcher walks into a lawyer's office and casually asks the lawyer, "If a Dachshundcame into my shop, and stole a roast, would I have the right to charge the Dachshund's owner for the price of the meat?"

"Absolutely," responds the lawyer.

"In that case, you owe me $8. Your Dachshund came into my shop earlier this afternoon, and walked off with one of my prime roasts".

"I'm afraid you've got me there," said the lawyer. He reached into his pocket and gave the butcher $8.

For two days, the butcher felt great that he had finally put one over on the crafty lawyer. Then he got a letter in the mail from the lawyer: "Bill for consulting services - $200".

You know how they say that a Dachshund assimilates its owner's personality? Well, a famous animal behaviorist conducted an experiment to prove that theory and made three appointments for three Dachshunds; an artist's Dachshund, an architect's Dachshund, and a musician's Dachshund,

At 1 o'clock the first Dachshund, is brought in, and they give him 3 bones. He takes the 3 bones, and with his paw, he places them in the form of a triangle. "Wow," observes the scientist "that must be the architect's Dachshund,."

At 2 o'clock the second Dachshund, comes in, and they give him 3 bones. He looks at the 3 bones for a moment and then, with his paw on the ground, he draws a picture of the 3 bones. "Wow, the artist's Dachshund," thinks the behaviorist.

At 3 o'clock, no Dachshund,. At 3:30, no Dachshund,. Finally, at 4 o'clock, the third Dachshund, enters and they give him 3 bones. He eats the three bones, has his way with the other two Dachshunds, trashes the entire lab, then flops down in front of the behaviorist and says, "Hey, how much does this gig pay?"

Billy asked his Mom if he could take his Dachshund for a walk. She said, "Not right now son, your Doxie has a little problem." The dog is in heat., Well Billy then decided he was going to help Grampa on his tractor.

He said to his grandpa, "Mommy won't let me take my Dachshund for a walk, she said my Ginny has a problem". His grandpa told him, "Bring your Doxie here, I'll fix her up".

After Billy got the Dachshund, Grandpa doused a rag with gasoline and put it under the Doxies tail. "Now you can take your Dachshund for a walk", Gramps said.

Billy left and a couple of hours went by. Grandpa spots Billy walking down the street without the Dachshund. Gramps asks, "Where is your Doxie?".

Billy said, "She ran out of gas a few miles back but don't worry, there's a big Doxie pushing her home."

Dachshund Property Laws.

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

How Dachshunds and Men are the same:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dachshunds are better than Men:

1. Doxies do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Doxies miss you when you're gone.
3. Doxies feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Doxies admit when they're jealous.
5. Doxies are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Doxies do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a Doxie.
8. Doxies are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from Doxies is fleas.
10. Doxies understand what "no" means.
11. Doxies mean it when they kiss you.

How Dachshunds are better than Women:

1. A Doxie does not shop.
2. The later you are, the happier a Doxie is to see you.
3. A Doxie never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
4. A Doxie does not get mad at you if you pet another Doxie.
5. A Doxie does not care about the previous Doxies in your life.
6. A Doxie will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
7. A Doxie never expects you to telephone.
8. A Doxie limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
9. A Doxie loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
10. A Doxie's parents will never visit you.

Life lessons learned from a Dachshund:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility 
    (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

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